Well, I should've known the happiness was short lived.
I'm in the SoM Library and I only have about 15 minutes to get this all out so hopefully it'll be okay.

I wake up exhuasted and am late to theory, as usual.
I go to section one of 332 so that I wouldn't have to go at 2pm because my technique exam is at 3:30.
I then skip piano to practice for said exam.
Flute lesson at 12pm.
Something comes up and professor leaves the room for like 25 minutes. So, W and I just rehearsed until professor comes back and then we run the Mozart and W has to go.
Then, the dreaded happend.

We had to talk about my wanting to switch back to a BM.
She won't switch my credits back to three.
Understandable.
She says if I want to still get a BM I will have to audition back into the SoM for performance
even though I've already been accepted.
Because I still have a lot of ground to cover
and there will be a lot of hurdles for me to overcome.
Which I all agreed with.

I wasn't crying yet because I said I wouldn't
but then I said something along the lines of
"I just want you to know, before I leave [my lesson],
that I have never wanted something so much in my life
and I have never worked harder for it
and I want to work hard because
that's how badly I want it.
And I know that I don't have the talent and maybe
not even the potential,
but I want this so badly.
I know I don't have the background
and experience
and sometimes I get mad because I don't have
the background and I don't even know why I want this so badly
but I do."
And of course I was crying.

And she says that I can use my jury for my audition but she doesn't think anything is going to change.

But I eventually leave and I find Darla on the way to the Mu Phi closet
because I was going to go in there and cry.
It's my second day as steward and I'm already abusing the power.

and I'm going to have to finish this later.

*edit 6:40 pm November 23, 2009*

Well, I just got back from dinner.
There's more to my story
but I'm just too tired and worn out to write much else.
All in all,
today sucked.
A lot.

However, I did pass my technique exam (I think)
I drew Bb melodic minor
Ab Major
C V7
and
Chromatic up to D

and there is now a spot open for the Vienna trip during Spring Break
so I will get to do that
and I had some good Korean food with Darla and her accompaniest
and my stomach is full
I am tired
and I have to go to the oboe professor's recital
but after that I am going back to my room
watching an episode or two of friends
and then going to sleep
and it will all be okay
because after symphonic band tomorrow
I am out of here.

I am currently supposed to be practicing for my technique exam.
However, I became aware that I would not get the chance to post in a while
and I thought it important to get my thoughts out now, before it left my mind.

Today, was your typical Tuesday beside for the fact that it SUCKED.
I wanted to take my Piano proficiency exam this semester so I wouldn't have to take Piano 4
because if I wasn't in Piano 4, it would free up a lot of my time.
Unfortunately, today was the last day to sign up or "chicken" out of the exam.
Guess who's not even prepared to take it?
That would be me.
Sitting through the remainder of class needless to say was very frustrating.

After I left class, I had an emotional break down.
And I talked with Hope for about 40 minutes before she had to go to Wind Ensemble.
It was a nice talk and I got a lot off my chest,
but even then, some of the feeling will not leave me.

Something that we talked about really spoke to me.
One of the reasons I feel so awful is because I compare myself to others a lot of the time.
I try not to compare myself and tell myself that everyone here is from a different place and background
and that it's okay for me not to understand something right away because this is the first time I've ever had to do something like this.
However,
it's really hard not to compare yourself when all of your classes make it so easy to compare yourself.

Theory
There are keyboard quizzes which you play in front of others. Please tell me how you don't compare yourself.
There are freshmen in my Theory Two class. Tell me how not to compare myself to them when I took Fundamentals my Freshmen year. 
Needless to say, the fast pace that we move does not help my understanding when a lot of the people in the class understand.

Piano
Um, you hear everyone else play. You will subconsciously compare yourself no matter what.

Western Music History
A lot of in class discussion and the same people answer all the time. They are answering questions that you don't remember reading about or just can't seem to recall.
Also: saying that the article was written in a way that people can understand while I sit in the back and think to myself that I didn't understand a single word of the article, does not make me feel smarter.

Flute Rep
Um, again, you're hearing people play your PRIMARY instrument. You kinda have to compare yourself.

Ear Training
Again, another skills class where you compare yourself to the other students and their skills and get angry at the fact that you were not given the chance to develop those skills during you earlier years of musicianship.

Russian Lit
This class doesn't really apply, but to get my point across, I am going to talk about it anyway.
Now, I am a decent paper writing (at least I used to be). And in this class, she grades on improvement.
No matter what, I can not manage to get an A on any of my papers.
It's like, what do you want from me?
...
oh, the comparison is of the other students that pull A's out of nowhere.

Symphonic Band
...
Self explanatory.

Hmm...yea, that's about it.

Wow.
It's sad that I don't feel any better.
Good.
Just. Brilliant.

I think I have a learning disability.

So, I'm deciding to blog now before it's too late.

It's officially the second week of school and what?
I'm already burnt out?
What?

Yes,
that is right.
I am already so exhausted.
I guess that's the price to pay when you take 21 credit hours.
I'm such an overachiever...it almost sucks.

Let us begin from well, the begining.

Move-in Day.
I move in a day early so I don't have to deal with the stress of moving in with everyone at the same time. I also moved in early so I could settle down before my audition.
My roomie came the next day, dropped her stuff off, and off she went.
I wanted to go with her,
but I had an audition.

The next four days are HELL.
Talk about isolation.
It was definitely awful.
I saw a few people here and there,
but some of my friends moved off campus
or are not near my dorm
and that was really hard for me.
It was an endless cycle.
Wake, eat, practice,
find people to hang out with,
eat some more,
practice some more,
and hang out some more.
But eventually, I always went back to an empty dorm.
And it was awful.
Some of the most lonely times that I've experienced.

Monday
...
Five classes.
However, it was awesome because I had 9AM Theory instead of 8AM.
As I'm walking into the School of Music,
I see all the Freshmen coming out of their class.

You know you're a music major and have a pathetic life when 9 AM class is late.

I get to my theory class and there are Freshmen in there. Wtc. It just makes me feel bad about myself. But don't worry, apparently there are Freshmen in Theory Three as well.

I also found out that I made fourth chair Symphonic Band!
I was so excited
especially since I was aiming for last
but I'm not.
It kind of boost my confidence
which I desperately need.

Tuesday
...
Symphonic band.
I am playing piccolo on a piece.
...
What?
That's right.
I was scared out of my mind.
Sym band is so much different than Uband.
If I didn't have J and L, I would've been so lost.
It doesn't matter what chair you are
you will change seats and parts no matter what.
Even though it was scary and I didn't play most of my piccolo part
I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
I am seizing this opportunity to gain experience
and do what I love most.

Hmm.
What else?

Well,
to sum up the first week of classes
it couldn't have gone by slower
and the weekend couldn't have gone by faster
I didn't sleep much during the first week of classes
and it's awful
because
IT'S THE FIRST WEEK OF CLASSES!
I mean,
what the heck?

Friday
...
Roomie went home
Darla spent the night
in the morning I went to Walmart with Brian and Amanda
and it was a blast
except that I didn't get anything done
because afterwards
I went to see
"Julie & Julia"
with Darla and Rachel
but Hope couldn't go
and it was sad
but the movie was good
but not as good as I thought it was going to be
because there wasn't a huge climax
etc
because it's based on two true stories
it isn't fiction where anything could happen
still
overall a good movie

Afterwards
we got pizza at H and R's apartment
and had a blast
except
that I didn't get anything done
yay me
...
not

Sunday
...
Woke up intending to go to the music library by 10:30 11:30ish
Didn't get up till 11 and didn't make it to the library till 1:20.
But it's okay
because I stayed there till 6:30
and I got a lot of stuff accomplished
which makes me feel better
but
I ended up not getting MacGAMUT
aka
MacDAMIT
finished
so I turned it in incomplete
and it sucks
but you know what?
So does life sometimes
but time and life still continues
and we move forward

Monday
...
Went and talked to my adviser
and had sort of a game plan.
Still at 21 hours.

Social Rush.
Didn't want to be there
but I had to be.
It's so frustrating.

Tuesday
...
Went and talked with the Head of the Chinese Department
Had half of the conversation in Mandarin
I think it was a test
but I managed to pass
because he didn't even give me a placement test
and passed me out of 101 and 102
He wants me to be in 203
but he also said that if I couldn't
then I could be in 204 in the spring
I'm happy and sad at the same time
it's like a double edge sword

Symphonic Band
was good I guess
besides the fact that I felt so sick
I even contemplated H1N1
but
I think I'm safe
for now
Almost had a breakdown from exhaustion
but I was not going to mess up my picc part
because I need to prove myself

Individual Rush
Didn't want to be there as well
but had to be
I thought it was pretty good overall
but
it's sad because ...

Wednesday
...
I didn't do any homework last night.
But
I did get 7 hours of sleep
which is a lot in a long time
if felt good
but again
lose-lose situation

After Theory
Instead of writing my paper that's due tomorrow
I went into the music library and slept under a laptop carrel
...
I think that's all that needs to be said about that.

In Conclusion::
Second week of school
I'm at a breaking point
slash
don't care anymore
I need to drop some classes
but I'm having a hard time making a decision
I'm not getting enough sleep
and don't worry
I don't eat till 4 on Thursdays

And I really wish I could notate some music here right now to end this post.
But I can't convey the song to you because there aren't any lyrics.
Just think, minor key with legato movements...and then add in some sixteenth notes a little bit later.
Or:
Listen to Comptine d'un autre été, l'après-midi

...We are calling in all the ships

Well, I've been home for a couple of days now
and I'm so glad to be home
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I love Vancouver and I love my family
however
Julie needs her alone time
for me too much of a good thing is indeed, a bad thing

So, since I've been home
I've pretty much been a bum
and I know I shouldn't be
but I just can't help it

I did have a flute lesson that was satisfactory
Hopefully, it'll be a satisfactory audition when I return to university
Butttt....
Right now, I don't care
but I probably will when that day comes
[nine more days]

Hmmm
what else?
Oh yes
remember how I dyed part of my hair purple?
yea well
due to lack of communication
it's not permanent
it's semipermanent
if I would've known
I would never have done it
but
I guess it's just a lesson to be learned

So now
I'm just waiting to go back to school
and I really don't want to
I'm looking forward to seeing my roommate and friends again
but I'm just not ready to return to school
especially since I'll be taking even more hours
again
I just need a year off or something
except
that that's not going to happen
because then I'll be even more behind
oh well

I'm really excited that Jennifer Yi came out with a cd
You should go buy it
Look her up on youtube

...Every traveler please come home
and tell us all that you have seen...