Hello world,

It's been a while. So long, in fact, that I see that it's a new format for adding a weblog. That's besides the point.

I am now officially half way through my junior year of college. That is absolutely crazy. I can't believe how quickly this year is going and how quickly I'm growing up. My best friend turns 21 tomorrow. We were both talking about when we remembered when we turned 16 and 17. That seems so long ago.

Lately, I've been getting more and more depressed. Last year was awful, but this semester, I am happier. I must admit, I didn't want to come back to school at first. Not at all. I was protesting with every mile I drove back to school. I was protesting when I moved my furniture into my new apartment and I was protesting when my dad said goodbye to me and left me alone.

It was a lonely first couple of days. I spent my time unpacking and practicing for auditions.

Finally, the day had come. I made it there on time, but of course, when you're a flute player, even when you're on time, your time is pushed back because flutes are always behind. Long story short, the freshmen before me never showed up, which pushed my time up and I was still in a practice room and didn't know. By the time I figured it out, I ran to my audition. It was literally 6 seconds that it took me to get there. But when I got in the room, I was out of breath and had to play right away. I was flustered and on edge.

My audition did not turn out how I wanted at all.

The next day I found out the results. I had made principal of the University Band. As a junior and when I had made Symphonic Band last year, I was crushed. Needless to say, I cried. I cried so hard and was thankful that my roommate wasn't home. I laid sprawled out on the floor and contemplated jumping out the window. However, I probably would've only maimed myself instead of actually alleviating any pain. The door bell rang.

It was my friend H and her boyfriend S. They saved me. I cried some more with them and contemplated what to do.

I went to University Band that week and did everything in my power to make it through without crying. I cried later that night. In fact, I cried the entire first week of school. How could I do this to myself? I had only practiced a month during the summer instead of the entire time because I was too depressed to do anything else. Life was not turning out how I imagined at all.

Now that's it's been three months, I thought I was a lot better.

Slowly, I began to heal and to be happy again. There were times when I would still be sad while in University Band. I know, it's not "that big a deal" or whatever, but it's a huge deal to me for multiple reasons that I don't feel like going through again. (Though I may eventually).

But lately, I've just been getting sadder and sadder. But now, it's mostly due to my Chinese class (I'm sure there are other factors as well). It's just like the music thing all over again. I just feel so worthless. Let me explain.

I am Chinese, but I was born in the states. I went to Chinese school, but I didn't care to learn and my parents didn't push me because they didn't want to pressure me. Now, I am almost 21 and I can barely write or read Chinese. My listening and speaking skills are minimum as well. I could probably carry on a conversation at the elementary level. But, being the only Chinese person in my class that is not a native speaker really hits me hard. Even if my classmates are not judging me (though I feel as if they do), I am ashamed of myself.

Growing up, I went to a predominantly white school. I hated being Chinese and I hated my family life. Now that I'm older, I love being Chinese and my culture. However, I never felt/feel like I belong anywhere. I'm not fully Chinese and I'm not fully American. I'm Chinese American, but even then, I feel like I don't belong in either group. I don't even feel like I belong with the other Asian Americans. I feel trapped and don't feel accepted anywhere. But it's probably because I don't even accept myself for who I am.

These past three weeks have been hard for me because I've been digging deeper and deeper into my inner pain. Usually, it will hurt, but I am able to resurface and be happy and just live life and laugh. But lately, it's been taking longer to resurface and I've been spending more and more time obsessing over my turmoil. And because of that, I realized that I am not a whole person. I am broken and have many issues with myself. I realized, that I loathe myself.

It's really sad. I never realized to what extent that I hated myself because I was always able to recover, but now, now that I realize how I feel, there's no turning back. No matter what I told myself or how I reasoned with myself, I always came out with reasons that made me worthless and nothing to be proud of. And I still think this way.

Which is sad.

So, on top of everything else, I have added this to the mix. Lovely isn't it?

Oh yeah, that freshmen that never showed? She decided she was not going to audition and not be a music major at all. I bet she didn't think her decision would affect anyone at all.

Well, I should've known the happiness was short lived.
I'm in the SoM Library and I only have about 15 minutes to get this all out so hopefully it'll be okay.

I wake up exhuasted and am late to theory, as usual.
I go to section one of 332 so that I wouldn't have to go at 2pm because my technique exam is at 3:30.
I then skip piano to practice for said exam.
Flute lesson at 12pm.
Something comes up and professor leaves the room for like 25 minutes. So, W and I just rehearsed until professor comes back and then we run the Mozart and W has to go.
Then, the dreaded happend.

We had to talk about my wanting to switch back to a BM.
She won't switch my credits back to three.
Understandable.
She says if I want to still get a BM I will have to audition back into the SoM for performance
even though I've already been accepted.
Because I still have a lot of ground to cover
and there will be a lot of hurdles for me to overcome.
Which I all agreed with.

I wasn't crying yet because I said I wouldn't
but then I said something along the lines of
"I just want you to know, before I leave [my lesson],
that I have never wanted something so much in my life
and I have never worked harder for it
and I want to work hard because
that's how badly I want it.
And I know that I don't have the talent and maybe
not even the potential,
but I want this so badly.
I know I don't have the background
and experience
and sometimes I get mad because I don't have
the background and I don't even know why I want this so badly
but I do."
And of course I was crying.

And she says that I can use my jury for my audition but she doesn't think anything is going to change.

But I eventually leave and I find Darla on the way to the Mu Phi closet
because I was going to go in there and cry.
It's my second day as steward and I'm already abusing the power.

and I'm going to have to finish this later.

*edit 6:40 pm November 23, 2009*

Well, I just got back from dinner.
There's more to my story
but I'm just too tired and worn out to write much else.
All in all,
today sucked.
A lot.

However, I did pass my technique exam (I think)
I drew Bb melodic minor
Ab Major
C V7
and
Chromatic up to D

and there is now a spot open for the Vienna trip during Spring Break
so I will get to do that
and I had some good Korean food with Darla and her accompaniest
and my stomach is full
I am tired
and I have to go to the oboe professor's recital
but after that I am going back to my room
watching an episode or two of friends
and then going to sleep
and it will all be okay
because after symphonic band tomorrow
I am out of here.